There now follows a party political broadcast
On behalf of the liberal party.
Pratt, back to pratt.
Pratt again, a long ball out to pratt
and now pratt is on the ball...
a neat little flick back inside to pratt, who takes it nicely
and sends it through on the far side to pratt.
Pratt with it but passes instead to pratt, pratt again...
Oh, and well intercepted
by the swarthy little number nine concito maracon.
This 21-year-old halfback
remarkably stocky for six foot, three inches
square shouldered, balding giant, hair flowing in the wind
bright-eyed, pert, young for his age
but oh-so-old in so many ways.
For a 39-year-old you wouldn't expect such speed.
Normally considered slow...
sweeping up and taking the defense to the cleaners.
Who would have thought, though many expected it
this remarkable 45-year-old
nine foot, four inches dwarf of a man
who is still only 17 in some parts of the world
would ever really be...
oh, and there was a goal there apparently...
and now it's pratt, back to pratt...
Pratt again... a long ball out to pratt...
I really like this ano-wheat.
It really unclogs me.
Oh, do be careful!
Sorry, mum.
I mean, a lot of the others
Say they unclog you
But I never had a single bowel movement
With them "recto-puffs."
Now, if we...
Oh, sorry, mum.
If we lived in rhodesia
There'd be someone
To mop that up for you.
Don't be so bleedin' stupid.
If you lived in bleedin' rhodesia
You'd be out at bleedin' fascist rallies every bleedin' day.
You're a bleedin' racist, you bleedin' are!
Language!
Well, he gets on my sodding wick.
That's better.
No, the stuff I liked was
That stuff they gave you before the war
What was it?--
Wilkinson's number eight laxative cereal.
Whew, that one went through you
Like a bloody ferrari.
Now, who's that at this time of day?
If it's the man to empty the elsan
Tell him it's in the hall.
Right, dear.
And make sure that you hold it
The right way up.
Dad?
Yeah?
No, no, my dad.
Oh.
Dad, why is rhodesia called rhodesia?
Oh, sorry, dad.
No, no, thank you very much.
No, I'm sorry.
Thank you very much, indeed.
No, thank you for calling.
Not today, thank you.
Good morning.
Who was that?
The liberal party candidate, darling.
What have you done now?
Sorry, mum.
I was just washing up.
Go and sit down!
Mum...
Mum, do you know
Why rhodesia's called rhodesia?
Do you remember "go-eazi"?
They were hopeless...
Little black pellets
Tasted foul
And they stuck inside you
Like flooring adhesive.
Well, I'm off!
What time are you coming back tonight?
3:00 a.m.!
I think it's disgusting
You a member of parliament.
Last night I heard you snogging away.
We was not snogging!
Sure... sounded like snogging to me.
I could hear his great wet, slobbering lips going at you
And his hand going...
Dad!
Yeah?
No, not you.
Oh.
Just mind your language.
Oh, sorry, mum.
I've run out of beans!
We was talking!
We was not snogging!
Talking about snogging, I'll bet.
If you must know
We was talking about council re-housing!
Would it mean going to live in hollywood?
I've run out of beans!
Where to re-house his right hand--
That's all he was interested in!
And has faye dunaway definitely said yes?
He is the chairman of the housing subcommittee.
Snogging subcommittee, more like.
Ralph, do answer that door, will you?
Beans!
Shut up!!
Yes, mum.
If it's the man from probbo-rib
Tell him it's in the bed.
All right.
Sorry, mum.
Postmaaaan!
Well, a very good try there by the garibaldi family
Of droitwich in worcestershire.
Professor?
Well, I can't make up my mind
About this family.
I don't think there was
The sustained awfulness that we really need.
I mean, the father was appalling...
Appalling, yes.
He was dirty, smelly and distasteful
And I liked him very much, but...
Lady organs?
Well, they were
An unpleasant family, certainly
But I don't think we had
Any of the really gross awfulness
We're looking for.
Well, harsh words there
For the garibaldi family of droitwich in worcestershire
At present holders of the east midlands most-awful-family award
Lower middle-class section
But unable today to score more than 15 on our disgustometer.
Well, with the scores all in from the judges
The garibaldis are number three and a surprise at number two:
The fanshaw-chumleighs of berkshire.
Well, some of the wonderful behavior
That made the fanshaw-chumleighs
The second-most-awful family in britain, 1974.
But the winners, by a clear ten-point margin
Once again, the awful jodrell family of durham.
Unfortunately, we're not allowed to show you
Some of the performance that won them the award
But I assure you it was of the very highest standard
Was it not, lady organs?
Oh, yes, superb.
I mean, mr. jodrell--
You know, the old grandfather who licks the...
Yes, yes...
He's superb.
His gobbing is consistent and accurate.
His son is a dirty, foul little creature
And those frightful scabs which mrs. jodrell...
Well, thank you very much, lady organs
And from all of us, well done to the jodrells
And to all of you, not forgetting those of you
Who may be halfway in between
Without whom, of course and not forgetting
Who made it all possible when, and we'll be back
Until then, and so it's good night from me
And here's wishing you a safe journey home.
Thank you for watching this show.
Don't forget it was all great fun, I enjoyed it
And I hope you watching at home
Have enjoyed it too.
The jodrells win every bloody year.
Makes you vomit!
Dad?
Yes?
Get your stinking feet off the bread.
I'm only wiping the cat's do's off!
Mum?
Shut your gob, douglas.
I want more corn plasters!
Shut up and eat what you got!
Some fat bastard at the door!
Shut up!
A strong hive of bees contains approximately 75,000 bees.
Each honeybee must make 154 trips to collect
One teaspoonful of honey.
Hello, sir.
What do you want?
Would you like to buy some of our honey, sir?
What are you doing in here?
Which would you like--
The californian orange blossom
The mexican, the new zealand
Or the scottish heather?
He can't eat honey.
It makes him go plop-plops!
Come on, please try some.
All right, I'll have
Some icelandic honey.
No, there is no such thing.
You mean you don't make any honey at all?
No, no, we must import it all, every bally drop.
We are a gloomy people.
It's so crikey cold and dark up there
And there's only fish to eat.
Fish and imported honey.
Oh, strewth!
Well, why do you have a week?
Listen, buster!
In reykjavik it is dark
For eight months of the year
And it's cold enough
To freeze your wrists off
And there's only golly fish to eat.
Administrative errors are bound to occur
In enormous quantities.
Look at this.
It's all a mistake.
It's a real pain in the sphincter!
Icelandic honey week? my life!
Well, why do you come in here
Trying to flog the stuff, then?
Listen, cowboy, I got a job to do.
It's a stupid, pointless job
But at least it keeps me
Away from iceland, all right?
The leg of the worker bee has...
Well, mr. cotton, you have
What we in the medical profession call
A naughty complaint.
Now, my advice to you is
To put this paper bag over your head--
It's got little holes there, you see
Little holes for your eyes--
And to ring this bell and to take this card
Along to your hospital, okay?
And I shall inform all your relatives and friends
And anyone else that I happen to bump into, okay?
Cash, wasn't it?
Thank you very much.
Get out.
Dirty little man.
Hippocratic oath, hippocratic...
Oh, it's not in there.
Jolly good.
Very useful. next!
Ah, yes, you must be mr. williams.
Well, do take a seat.
What seems to be the trouble?
I've just been stabbed by your nurse!
Oh, dear, yes, well...
I'd probably better have a look at you then.
Could you fill in this form first?
She just stabbed me.
Yes, she's an unpredictable sort.
Look, you seem to be bleeding rather badly.
I think you'd better hurry up and fill in that form.
Couldn't I fill it in later, doctor?
No, no, you'll have bled to death by then.
Can you hold a pen?
I'll try.
Yes, jolly good.
It's a hell of a nuisance
All this damn paperwork.
Really, it is.
It's a real nightmare, this paperwork.
It really is a hell of a nuisance.
Something ought to be done about it.
Do I have to answer
All the questions, doctor?
No, no, no, just...
Just fill in as many as you can.
No need to go into too much detail, you know.
I don't know why we bother with it all, really
It's such a nuisance.
Well, let's see how you've done, then.
Oh, yes.
Oh, dear, oh, dear
That's not very good, is it?
Look, surely you knew number four!
No...
It's from the merchant of venice.
Even I knew that!
It's going on the carpet, doctor.
Oh, don't worry about that!
Look at this-- number six--
It's the treaty of versailles!
Didn't you know that?
Oh, my god.
And number nine-- emerson fittipaldi!
Virginia wade? you must be mad!
Oh, doctor...
I've just shot another patient.
I don't think there's any point in your seeing him.
You didn't kill him, did you?
Afraid so.
You mustn't kill them, nurse.
Oh, I'm sorry, doctor.
It was just on the spur of the moment.
Rather silly, really.
I'm sorry about the carpet, doctor.
Mr. williams, I'm afraid I can't give you any marks
So I won't be able to recommend you for hospital.
I tell you what, I'll stop the bleeding
But strictly speaking
I shouldn't even do that
On marks like these.
There are no more patients now, doctor.
Oh, well, let's go for lunch, then.
What about... er...
Ah, yes, look, mr. williams
We're just popping out for a bite of lunch
While we've got a spare moment, you know.
Look, have another bash at the form
And if at least you can answer
The questions on history all right
Then we may be able
To give you some morphine
Or something like that, okay?
Thank you, doctor, thank you.
Dear sir, I wish to protest
In the strongest possible terms.
Yours sincerely
Brigadier n.f. marwood-git [retired].
Read that back, will you, brian?
"and when he had built up cedron
"he sent horsemen there
"and an host of footmen to the end
"that issuing out they might make outroads
Upon the ways of judea as the king commanded them."
Good!
Pop it in an envelope and bung it off!
It's no good bottling things up, brian.
If you feel them you must just say them
Or you'll just go mad.
Oh, yes, indeed.
As the book of maccabee said
"yea, as the flea is like unto an oxen
"so is the privet hedge liken unto a botanist
Black in thy sight, o lord."
Quite.
Look, why don't you just nip out for lunch, brian?
Yea, as raymond chandler said
"it was one of those days
"when los angeles felt
Like a rock-hard fig."
Brian, let's stop this pretending, shall we?
Yea, as dirk bogarde said
In his autobiography...
Brian!
Let's stop all this futile pretense.
I've...
I've always been moderately fond of you.
Well, to be quite frank, brigadier
One can't walk so closely
With a chap like you for... for so long
Without feeling something
Deep down inside
Even if it isn't anything...
Anything very much.
Well, splendid, brian.
Well, I don't suppose
There's much we can do, really.
Not on television, no.
No.
They, uh...
They are a lot more permissive these days
Than they used to be.
Ah, yes, but not with this sort of thing.
No.
I suppose they've...
Got to draw the line somewhere.
Yes.
Well, take a letter, brian.
Dear sir, I wish to protest...
Ooh!
Hmm?
Oh.
Ho-oh!
Oh, oh.
Hmm?
Mmm... mmm?
There now follows...
Hello.
I'd like to talk to you tonight about a minority group of people
Who have no mental or physical handicaps
And who, through no fault of their own
Have never been deprived
And consequently are forced to live in conditions
Of extreme luxury.
This often-ignored minority
Is very rarely brought to the attention of the general public.
The average man in the street scarcely gives a second thought
To these extremely well-off people.
He quite simply fails to appreciate the pressures
That vast quantities of money just do not bring.
Have you at home ever had to cope with this problem?
Or this?
I know it's only human to say
"oh, this will never happen to me"
And of course, it won't.
So I'm asking you, please, please
send no contributions, however large, to me.
There now follows a party political broadcast...
All right, I'll go.
Everything goes up, everything goes down
Fish, bananas...
Hello, madam.
Oh, hello, you must have come about...
Finishing the sentences, yes.
Oh, well, perhaps you'd like to...
Come through this way, certainly.
Oh, nice place you've got here.
Yes, well, we, uh...
Like it.
Yes, we certainly...
Do, good.
Now, when did you first start...
Finding it difficult...
To finish sentences, yes.
Well, it's not me, it's my...
Husband?
Yes, he...
Never lets you finish
What you've started?
Quite, I'm beginning to feel...
You'll never finish a sentence again as long as you live?
Exact--
--ly-- it must be awful.
It's driving me...
To drink.
No, rou--
--nd the be--
--en--
--d.
Yes.
May i...
Take a seat.
Thank you.
You see, our method
Is to reassure the patient by re-creating normal...
Conditions.
Yes, then we try and get them into a position
Where they suddenly find
That they're completing other people's sentences...
Themselves.
Spot on, mrs...
Smith.
Good, well, try not to overdo it to...
Begin with.
Keep it to one or two...
Words...
To start off with, otherwise you may find...
I'm taking on too long a sentence
And getting completely...
Stuck.
Good, yes, well, that's about it...
For now, so...
Thanks very much for calling.
Oh, not at all.
And...
I'd just like to say...
Thank you very much for coming along.
Not at all.
And good...
Bye, mr...
Vernon.
Carl!
Yes, dear?
I've just had another baby.
Oh, no. how many is that now?
Uh, 12 since lunch.
Oh! there's another one.
This is stonehenge, and it's from here we go to africa.
Well, here it is at last, the goal of our quest.
After six months and three days, we've finally caught up
With the legendary walking tree of dahomey--
Quercus nicholas parsonsus--
Resting here for a moment on its long journey south.
It's almost incredible, isn't it
To think that this huge tree has walked over 2,000 miles
Across this inhospitable terrain to stop here
Maybe just to take in water
Before the 2,000 miles on to cape town where it lives.
It's almost unimaginable, I find
The thought of this mighty tree strolling through nigeria;
Perhaps swaggering a little
As it crosses the border into zaire;
Hopping through the tropical rain forest
Trying to find a quiet grove
Where it can jump around on its own;
Sprinting up to zambia for the afternoon, then nipping back...
Oh, super.
Well, I've just been told that this is not in fact
The legendary walking tree of dahomey.
This is one of africa's many stationary trees
Arborus bamber gascoignus.
In fact, we've just missed the walking tree.
It left here at 8:00 this morning.
It was heading off in that direction
So we'll just see if we can go and catch it up.
Come on, boys.
Well, we're still keeping up with it
But it's setting a furious pace.
Early this morning, we thought we'd spotted it
But it turned out to be an angolan sauntering tree--
Amazellus robin ray--
Out walking with a gambian sidling bush.
So, on we go.
It's going to be difficult.
A walking tree can achieve speeds of up to 50 miles an hour
Especially when it's in a hurry.
Super.
Well, rupert has spotted something.
This could be it-- a walking tree on the move.
But what rupert had in fact discovered
Was something very different...
The turkish little rude plant.
This remarkably smutty piece of flora was used by the turks
To ram up each others'...
Ah, no!
In fact, it was something even more interesting.
Yes, there it was, over the other side of the clearing--
The legendary puking tree of mozambique.
No, what they'd come across was a tribe lost to man
Since time immemorial--
The legendary batsmen of the kalahari.
Primitive customs still survive here
As if the march of time had passed them by.
But for all the mumbo jumbo and superstition
The batsmen of the kalahari are formidable fighters
As we can see in this rare footage of them in action
Against warwickshire.
Warwickshire had dismissed the kalahari batsmen for 140
But then it was their turn
To face this extraordinary kalahari attack.
Pratt was the first to go, but pratt and pratt put on
A second wicket stand of naught
Which was broken by odinga in his most hostile mood.
That's b. pratt, hit wicket-- naught.
But pratt and z. pratt dug in
And took the score to a half before z. pratt ran away.
But out came m.j.k. pratt to play a real captain's innings.
He'd taken his own score up to naught
When he mistimed a shot of bowanga and was l.b.w.
Typical of umbonga's hostile opening spell
Was his dismissal of v.e. pratt
Who offered no resistance to this delivery...
And he was caught behind.
But by lunch, the situation had changed dramatically.
And so, with the tension colossal
As we come up to the last ball...
That's all from us.
Good evening.
Over funt400,000 million
Were wiped off the value of shares this afternoon
When someone in the stock exchange coughed.
Sport-- capital punishment is to be reintroduced
In the first and second division.
Any player found tackling from behind
Or controlling the ball with the lower part of the arm
Will be hanged.
But the electric chair remains the standard punishment
For threatening the goalie.
Referees' chairman len goebbels said
"at last, the referee has been given teeth."
Finally, politics-- the latest opinion poll published today
Shows labor ahead with 40%, the a.a. second with 38%
And, not surprisingly
Kentucky fried chicken running the liberals a very close third.
And now, back to me-- hello.
And now it's time to go over to hugh delaney at paignton.
Hello, and welcome to paignton because it's from paignton
That we take you straight back to the studio.
Hello, and it's from here we go over there.
Well, we're already here, so let's go over there.
Welcome back.
And now it's time for part eight of our series
About the life and work of ursula hitler
The surrey housewife
Who revolutionized british beekeeping
In the 1930s.
That was a party political - cast
On behalf of the liberal party.
It's just that everywhere I go
It's the same old thing--
All anyone wants me to say is
"to be or not to be."
"that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer..."
It's either that or "oh, that this
Too, too solid flesh would melt..."
"would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew.
"or that the everlasting
Had not fixed his canon 'gainst self slaughter..."
Yes, all that sort of thing
And I'm just getting really fed...
Do the bit about "alas poor yorick."
No, I'm sick of it!
I want to do something else.
I want to make something of my life.
No, I don't know that bit.
I want to get away from all that, be different.
Well, um... what do you want to be?
A private dick!
A private dick?
Yes, a private dick!
Why do you want to be a private dick?
Why does anyone want to be a private dick?
Fame, money, glamour, excitement, sex.
Ah! it's the sex, is it?
Well, that's one of the things, yes.
What's the sex problem?
Well, there's no problem.
Now, come on, come on.
You've got this girl on the bed
And she's all ready for it...
No, no, it's nothing to do with that.
No, no, come on, come on.
There she is, she's all ready for it
She's a real stunner, she's got great big tits
She's really well stacked
And you've got her legs up against the mantelpiece...
All right, mr. butler, I'll take over.
Morning, mr. hamlet, my name's natal.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Now, what seems to be the problem?
Well, I was telling the other psychiatrist...
Uh, he's... he's not a psychiatrist.
Oh, he said he was a psychiatrist.
Well...
Yes.
Um... he is a kind of psychiatrist
But he's, um... he's not a proper psychiatrist.
He's not, uh... fully qualified in, um...
Quite the sort of way that we should want.
Anyway the problem, I believe
Is basically sexual, is it?
I asked him that!
Get out!
Now then, you've got the girl on the bed
You've been having a bit of a feel-up
You've got your tongue down her throat.
She's got both her legs up on the mantelpiece...
Dr. natal! out, please!
I'm talking to a patient!
Out, please!
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
We have a lot of trouble here with bogus psychiatrists--
One of the risks in psychiatry, I'm afraid.
Unfortunately, they do tend to frighten the patient
And they can cause real and permanent damage
To the treatment.
But I assure you
That I am a completely bona fide psychiatrist.
Here's my diploma in psychiatry
From the university of oxford.
This here shows that I'm a member
Of the british psychiatric association--
A very important body, indeed.
Here's a letter from another psychiatrist
In which he mentions that I'm a psychiatrist.
This is my psychiatric club tie
And, as you can see, the cufflinks match.
I've got a copy of psychiatry today in my bag
Which I think is pretty convincing
And a letter here from my mother
In which she asks how the psychiatry is going.
And I think you'll realize
The one person you can't fool is your mother.
So if you'd like to ask me
Any questions about psychiatry
I bet I can answer them.
Okay, right, you've got the girl on the bed
You've had a few drinks, you've got her sweater up
And she's got her feet on the mantelpiece.
Yes, what is it?
There's a proper psychiatrist to see you, dr. rufus berg.
Oh, my god-- okay, thank you.
Right, thank you very much
For answering the questions, sir.
We'll try not to trouble you again, sir.
Right, you've got the girl down on the bed.
You've got her legs up on the mantelpiece
And then you...
Well, well done, mr. hamlet.
You've done extremely well in our disorientation tests.
Oh... oh.
You see, I'm sorry
It might have confused you a little
But we do this, you see, to try and establish
A very good doctor-patient relationship, you see.
We do it to sort of, as it were
To break down the barriers, all right?
Yes, fine.
Good-- well, you've got her legs up
On the mantelpiece
She's really a knocker...
On behalf of the psychiatric association
I should like to say that we are taking firm action
To clamp down on the activities of bogus psychiatrists.
In fact, in many areas of modern psychiatry
Computers are now being increasingly used
For the first basic diagnosis, and this has gone a long way
Towards eliminating the danger of unqualified impostors
You've had your tongue down her throat
and she's got her legs...
Out!
Good evening and welcome to nationwide
The program where we do rather wet things nationally
And also give you a chance
To see some rather wet items in the regions.
Well, everyone is talking today about the third world war
Which broke out this morning.
But here on nationwide
We're going to get away from that for a bit
And look instead at the latest theory
That sitting down regularly in a comfortable chair
Can rest your legs.
It sounds very nice, doesn't it, but can it be done?
Is it possible or practical for many of us, in our jobs
And with the sort of busy lives we lead
To sit down in a comfortable chair just when we want?
We sent our reporter, john dull, to find out.
Well, here I am on london's busy westminster bridge
Seeing just how much time sitting down can take.
Well, I arrived here by train at about 8:50.
It's now 9:05, so I've been here approximately 12 minutes.
And if it's any encouragement
I must say that my legs do feel rested.
Is this your chair?
Uh... well, no, it's a prop.
It's been stolen!
What?
This belongs to a mrs. edgeworth of pinner.
She's standing over there.
Yoo-hoo!
Uh, well, it's nothing to do with me.
I mean, it's just a prop which the bbc...
It's got her name on the bottom.
Well, uh, perhaps you'd better give it back to her.
You don't believe I'm a policeman, do you?
Yes, I do!
What am I wearing on my head?
A helmet.
A policeman's helmet!
Yes.
You see that?
Yes.
That little number there?
Yes.
That is a metropolitan area identification code.
No helmet is authentic without that number.
I see.
Kids' helmets, helmets you get at toy shops
Helmets you buy at christmas--
None of them has that number.
None of them is authentic.
Hang on.
Oh, could i...
Hang on!
Mind you, I didn't join the police force
Just to wear the helmet, you know.
Oh.
That just happens to be one of the little perks.
There are plenty of jobs
Where I could have worn a helmet
But not such a nice helmet.
This helmet, I think
Beats even some of the more elaborate helmets
Worn by the tsar's private army
The so-called axi red warriors.
You know about them?
Well, no, I don't.
Ah! their helmets used to look like...
You got any paper?
Well, only these scripts.
Hold on.
Hey!
I'll have that.
I say.
Now then... their helmet was not unlike
The bobby's helmet in basic shape.
It had an emblem here and three gold--
And in those days it really was gold.
That's part of the reason why the tsar was so unpopular--
Three gold bands
Surmounted by a golden eagle on the apex here.
Pretty nice helmet, eh?
Yes.
I think the domed helmet wins every time
Over the flattened job, you know
Even when they're three-cornered or...
You want something to eat?
Well, no, uh, I mean, really...
Hang on.
You can't park here, you know.
We're not parked.
Not parked!
What's that then?
That's our lunch.
Right.
I'm taking that in for a forensic examination.
Why?
Because it might
Have been used as a murder weapon, that's why!
Now, clear off!
Yeah, not bad.
Could be worse.
Beer?
No, no, please!
Honestly, please...
Now then, the chaldeans, who used to inhabit the area
In between the tigris and euphrates rivers--
Their helmets was of the modular
Restrained kind of type...
Oh, robert, tell me I'm beautiful.
Oh, you are, you are.
Oh, robert, do you mean that?
Of course I do.
You're not just saying it
Because I asked you to?
Of course not.
Oh, robert, are you sure it doesn't put you off?
What?
My father wanting to come and live with us.
No, of course I don't mind
Your father coming to live with us.
He wouldn't just be living with us.
What do you mean?
Well, he finds it very difficult
To get to sleep on his own
So I said he could sleep with us.
He wants to put his bed in our room?!
No, no, of course not.
Oh, good.
Our bed is plenty big enough for three.
What?
He'd just get into bed and go to sleep.
No, I'm not having that!
Oh, robert, I thought you loved me!
Well, I do, but...
Well, he wouldn't look.
He's bound to peek.
No, no, he wouldn't, honestly.
No! no! no!
You young couple just carry on.
Take no notice of me.
I don't want to feel
As though I'm getting in the way.
Oh, no, dad, you're not.
No, no...
Good!
Well... I think I'll get to sleep.
Are you sure?
Oh, yes, I'm a bit tired after the wedding.
Bob, what about you?
Oh, yes, all right, yes.
Oh, well, I seem to be o.c. lights.
Good night, darling.
Good night.
Good night!
Father?
Father, what are you doing?
I'm making a boat.
What?
It's a cutty sark.
It's a model I've been making
In the dark for some years now.
Well, wouldn't it be better
With the light on?
No, no, I'm making it in the dark--
That's the point.
Oh, dear...
It's not as accurate as I thought.
It's not the cutty sark!
Well, it hasn't got its sails on yet.
Oh, well, I'll...
I'll have a look at it
In the dark room in the morning.
Good night!
Will you shut up in there?
Shut up!
Shut... that's better.
I am myself indifferent honest, but yet, I could accuse me
Of such things that it were better
My mother had not borne me.
O fair ophelia, nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.
So anyway, you've got the girl on the bed
And her legs are on the mantelpiece...
Out!
We're hit! jump!
Good god, sir, look at that.
Quiet, you'll wake him.
Sorry, sir.
Let's try to reach the city walls
Before he wakes up.
Yes, sir!
Shh! quiet.
Right, sorry, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Too late!
We're saved!
That was a great fight, champ
A great fight, you hear?
Oh, boy, what a fight, champ!
What a great fight!
You nearly had him, champ, you nearly had him...
Where's his head?
I got it in here, mr. gabriello.
You were great, champ, do you hear?
You were great!
He got a nasty cut over his eye.
Yeah, I think it was a mistake
Him wearing spectacles.
Oh, well, get that sewn onto his body
In time for the press pictures!
Okay, mr. gabriello.
Ah, wasn't he great, my boy?
He was great, mr. gabriello.
The way he kept on fighting
After his head came off.
He was better when the head came off, mr. gabriello.
He was really dodging the guy.
Yeah, I reckon if he could've lasted
Till the end of that first minute
He would've had the killer worried.
Sure, mr. gabriello.
Oh, he was great!
Did you see his left arm?
No.
Okay, we'll look around the hall
After everyone's gone.
Do you realize, mr. gabriello
Some of those guys out there
Paid over $2,000 for a ringside seat?
And where does the head land?
Right at the back-- that's justice.
Oh, boy.
What do you want?
This your boy's head?
No, no, we got his head!
He ain't hurt that bad.
Hey, that's jerry marinello.
He fought the killer last week.
Okay, give it to me.
I'm seeing his trainer tomorrow.
I'll give it to him.
Hey, mr. gabriello, the press is still outside.
You ready for them?
How's the champ?
Well, the head's on okay
But there's still a left arm missing.
Okay, well, keep the dressing gown
Kind of loose, okay?
Okay, boys, come on in!
Mr. gabriello!
Did you expect your boy to last
The full 28 seconds?
This boy has never let me down.
He's the pluckiest goddamn fighter I ever trained.
Were you worried when his head started to come loose?
No, no, we was expecting that.
I told him to expect it and he did.
He ain't stupid.
Hey, can we have a word with the champ?
Yeah, okay, but keep the questions simple.
Hey, champ, how you feeling?
I said keep the questions simple!
Mr. gabriello
People are saying
The kid ought to be buried.
His head's come off
In the last six fights.
There's no question of burying the kid!
He's just reaching the top.
Well, shouldn't he just stay
In the hospital?
No, he ain't going to no hospital.
He's got the return fight next week.
And there's frank sinatra leaving the ring.
Behind him is george raft, another great boxing fan
Martin bormann, acknowledging the applause
and with him, of course, is gus himmler
who did an awful lot for the sport in his country
in the early 1940s.
And here comes the champ now.
He really seems in good shape to meet the killer once again
before an audience--
some of whom have paid $920,000 million
for the privilege of seeing this boy get beaten up.
And there's the bell.
Quiet!
...and a left and a right jab
that's taken half the champ's shoulder off.
and here's the killer again with a right and another left
and a bash with a hammer and a terrific smack
with a heavy thud right into the skull
and there's a gaping hole right through the champ's body now.
And now the killer's working on the cut eye
with a series of beautifully placed punches
and the head's coming loose!
The champ must try and keep his head on.
The killer's kicked him in the groin
and he's bitten half his left buttock off
and the referee's stepped in with a warning there.
What a plucky fighter this champ is.
He's fighting as well as I've ever seen him.
He must be losing blood at the rate of a pint a second now.
It's everywhere.
Certainly those who paid $1.5 million
for those ringside seats
are really getting their money's worth.
They're covered in it.
And his head's off!
...in so many fights is off in the 31st second.
It's rolled away down to the left.
But what's happening?
The killer's being talked to by the referee.
There's the champ's plucky little body
racing around the ring, trying to find his opponent.
And the killer has been disqualified!
This great fighter, who has killed more than 50 people
in his boxing career, has at last been defeated
by this courageous, headless little southpaw from new york.
And there's a great roar here as the referee raises the arm
of the new world heavyweight champion.
What a pity the rest of his body wasn't here to see it.
Well, here in london
it's 12:30 and time for the robinsons
an everyday story of blah-di- blah-di-blah-di-blah.
Da-di-da-di-da-di-da
da-di-da-di-da...
and so on.
Morning, mrs. robinson.
Morning, mrs. non-robinson.
Been shopping?
No... I've been shopping.
What'd you buy?
A piston engine.
What did you buy that for?
Bloody rubbish!
I wanted to listen to that.
Morning, mrs. gorilla.
Morning, mrs. non-gorilla.
Have you been shopping?
No... been shopping.
Did you buy anything?
A piston engine.
What did you buy that for?
Ooh! it was a bargain.
Ooh!
Tweet, tweet, tweet.
Come on, little birdies, come on.
Nice little birdies.
Come on, little birdies.
Come and see what mommy's got for you.
Come on, little birdies.
Tweety, tweety, come on, tweety, tweety.
Ooh, look at this, tweety, tweety.
Nice one, come on, come on.
Tweet, tweet.
Come on, little birdies, tweet, tweet.
Oh. hello, mrs. smoker.
Hello, mrs. non-smoker.
What, you been shopping, then?
No, I've been shopping.
Oh, what did you buy?
A piston engine.
What did you buy that for?
It was a bargain!
How much do you want for it?
Three quid.
Done.
Right.
Thank you.
How do you cook it?
You don't cook it.
You can't eat that raw!
Ooh, never thought of that.
Oh, day and night, but this is wondrous strange.
And therefore is a stranger welcome it.
There are more things in heaven and earth, horatio
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
But come, the time is out of joint.
O cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right.
Let's go together.
Hello, and welcome to a room in polonius's house.
Well, tonight is european cup night.
One result in already from munich.
The european cup, first round, second leg
Bayern munchen 4,397; wrexham 1.
So wrexham going through there on aggregate.
Well, now it's time for racing
So let's go straight over to epsom and brian mcnulty.
Well, over here at epsom, there are chances aplenty
For those who want to make a good start in...
Dentistry.
It's a well-off suburb
So most people have their own teeth
And surgeries are opening
At the rate of four or five a week.
Well, it's only 44 minutes from the west end on the train
And it's not too built up, so you can have a nice garden.
And the people of epsom are a very nice class of person.
Well, here in high street, epsom
There are ample opportunities for all kinds of redevelopment.
As you can see, behind me now
There are a high level of low-density consumer units
Still not fully maximizing site value.
This could be radically improved
By a carefully planned program of demolition
And of course, most of the occupants are elderly folks
So they wouldn't put up much of a fight.
Good afternoon.
Well, in fact, there's still a few minutes to go
Before the main race on the card this afternoon
The queen victoria handicap.
So let's have a quick word with the winner of the last race
One of the season's top jockeys, ronnie mau-mau.
Good afternoon, ronnie.
Good afternoon, brian.
A very fine ride there, ronnie.
Well, a fine horse, brian
You know, you can't go wrong.
Do you fancy your chances for the derby?
Oh, very definitely.
Very definitely, indeed.
Certainly, brian.
Well, let's just see
If a colleague of yours agrees with that.
Let's just have a quick word
With desmond willet-- afternoon, des.
Good afternoon, brian.
No chance, no chance at all.
No, no, I think you're wrong there, des.
I think with the right kind of going
He's going to be in there
At the finish, des.
No chance, there's no chance.
Well, in fact, I can see
Last season's top jockey, johnny knowles.
Good afternoon, johnny.
Hello, brian.
Uh, could we have a box for johnny, please?
Thank you.
Hello, brian, thank you.
That's better.
Well, there you are--
Three very well-known faces from the racing world.
Thanks very much for coming along this afternoon, lads.
Not at all.
And best wishes for the derby.
Thank you, brian.
Thank you very much.
Well, in fact, I hear they're ready for us now
At the start of the main race this afternoon
So let's go right away and join peter at the start.
Well, they're under starter's orders
For this very valuable queen victoria handicap.
And they're off.
And queen victoria... a good clean jump off
Followed by queen victoria
Queen victoria and queen victoria.
It's queen victoria from queen victoria
With queen victoria making the early running on the inside.
And at the back, queen victoria
Already a couple of lengths behind the leaders.
Queen victoria now moved up to challenge queen victoria
With queen victoria losing ground.
Queen victoria tucked in neatly
On the stand side with a clear view.
Queen victoria still the back marker
As they approach the halfway mark
But making ground now and starting to pass queen victoria
With queen victoria
Queen victoria and queen victoria still well placed
As they approach the first fence.
And at the first fence, it's queen victoria
Just ahead of queen victoria
With queen victoria falling away in third place.
And queen victoria in the rear...
Well, a very exciting race there at epsom.
And now over to the european cup at barcelona
Where the latest news is
That miguel otana, the burly real madrid striker was sent off
For breaking wind in the 43rd minute.
He'd already been cautioned
For pursing his lips earlier on in the game and now he's off.
So let's see a playback of that... brian.
Yes, uh, well, as you can see, there's otana now.
Uh, he gets the, uh, the through ball from gomez
And, uh, he makes no attempt to play the ball.
He quite deliberately lets off.
And to my mind, he was within the box
And the referee had no option whatsoever but to send him off.
Jimmy?
Good evening.
What do you make of that?
Well, the referees really are
Clamping down these days.
Only last week, the belgian captain was sent off
For having a sony radio cassette player.
And gonerelli, that huge italian defender, was sent off in turin
For having his sitting and dining room knocked through
To form an open living area.
Hamlet?
Good evening.
You've got the girl on the bed.
Her legs are up on the mantelpiece...
Come on, go on, out.
Wait, I'm gettin' out of here.
I got away.
Missed.
Missed, missed again.
Ugh!
Ooh, wait a minute. wait, wait!
Let four captains bear hamlet
Like a soldier to the stage
For he was likely, had he been put on
To have proved most royally...
And then...
Let's bring them out!
Any old iron!
Thank you.
Any old iron!
Thank you.
Any old iron!
We are here today to witness the opening of a new box
To replace the box which used to stand
On the corner of ulverston road and sandwood crescent.
Owing to a program of road widening
Being carried out by the borough council
The ulverston road box was removed
Leaving the wall box in esher road
As the only box for the people of the ulverston road area.
This new box will enable
The people of the ulverston road area
To post letters, postcards and small packages
Without recourse to the esher road box
Or to the box outside the post office at turner's parade
Which many people used to use
But which has now been discontinued
Owing to the opening of this box
And also to the reorganization of box distribution
Throughout the whole area
Which comes into force with the opening of the new boxes
At the wyatt road post office in july.
Nous sommes ici ce matin...
...pour remplacer la boite qui autrefois etait placee
Au coin d'ulverston road et sandwood crescent.
Parce que du projet pour l'elargissement de la rue
Qui fait par le borough council
La boite d'ulverston road est remplacee
Et la boite de mur dans esher road
Est la seule boite pour les peuples d'ulverston road.
Cette boite nouvelle
Rendra capable les hommes d'ulverston road
De mettre dans la poste les lettres, les carte-postales
Et des petit paquets sans avoir besoin
De la boite de mur dans esher road
Ou les boites de la turner's parade bureau de poste
Qui beaucoup des hommes ont fait usage
Mais que est maintenant discontinuee...
A perfectly ordinary morning
In a perfectly ordinary english suburb.
Life goes on as it has done for years.
But soon this quiet pattern of life was to change irrevocably.
...en wyatt road le juillet.
Wir sind heute morgen...
The commonplace routine of a typical monday morning
Would never be the same again
For into this quiet little community came... mr. neutron.
Mr. neutron--
The most dangerous and terrifying man in the world
A man with the strength of an army
The wisdom of all the scholars in history
The man who had the power to destroy the world.
No one knows what strange and distant planet he came from
Or where he was going to.
Wherever he went
Terror and destruction were sure to follow.
Mr. neutron, the man whose incredible power
Has made him the most feared man of all time
Waits for his moment to destroy this little world utterly.
Then there's stanley, he's our eldest.
He's a biochemist in sutton.
He's married to shirley.
Shirley who used to be the hairdresser?
Yes, that's right.
I think she's a lovely person.
Mind you, my husband doesn't.
He thinks she's a bit, uh, thinks she's a bit flash.
I hate her.
I hate her guts.
Of course, they come down on most weekends
So you'll be able to meet them then.
I'd love to.
Hairdressing is very interesting.
Oh, yes, and very important, too.
If you don't care for your scalp, you get rabies.
Then there's kenneth, he's our youngest.
Mind you, he's a bit of a problem...
At least my husband thinks he is, anyway.
Nasty little piece of work, he is.
I hate him.
Mind you, the one we don't hear
Much about nowadays is karen.
She married a canadian; he's a dentist.
They live in alberta.
Two lovely children:
Gary who's three, leslie who's six.
Leslie looks absolutely the spitting image of karen.
Do you want to see a photo?
Oh, yes, please.
All right.
They're a couple of little bastards.
I hate them.
They got eyes like little pigs
Just like their mother.
She's a disaster...
A really horrible-looking person, she is.
I thought that one would stay on the shelf
But along comes this stupid dentist git.
He's a real creepy little bastard, he is.
I hate him.
This is a nice area.
It's like a bloody graveyard.
I hate it.
It's handy for the shops
And convenient for the west end.
If you like going to the west end.
I think it's a stinking dump.
Meanwhile in washington, at the headquarters of "fear"
The federal egg answering room
In reality a front name for "feeble"
The free world extra-earthly bodies location and extermination center
All was not well.
Good god! get me the supreme commander
Of land, sea and air forces... immediately!
Hello.
This is captain carpenter, sir, from fear.
You mean feeble?
Yes, sir.
What is it?
Mr. neutron is missing, sir.
Mr. neutron?! oh, my god!
Okay, surround the entire city.
Send in four waves of armed paratroopers
With full ground-to-air missile support.
Alert all air bases, destroy all roads!
We'll bomb the town flat if we have to!
Sir, he's not in washington, sir.
Okay, okay, hold everything, hold everything!
Hold it, hold it! lay off, lay off, lay off.
Where is he?
We don't know, sir.
All we know is he checked out of his hotel
and took a bus to the airport.
All right... I want a full-scale red alert throughout the world.
Surround everyone with everything we got.
Mobilize every fighting unit
And every weapon we can lay our hands on!
I want... I want three full-scale global nuclear alerts
With every army, navy and air force unit on eternal standby!
Right, sir!
And introduce conscription!
Yes, sir!
Right!
So the world was in the grip of fear;
A huge and terrifying crisis generated by one man
Easily the most dangerous man the world has ever seen...
Honestly.
Though still biding his time, he could strike at any moment.
Could he be stopped in time?
Got a bit of work to do there, then.
Yes, it is a problem.
Mrs. ottershaw never used to bother...
Then, of course, she was very old; she was 2o6.
Well, must be going.
If you need a hand, I'll send frank round.
He could do with a bit of exercise.
Fat old bastard.
Yes.
Captain carpenter here, sir.
We've been on red alert now for three days, sir
and still no sign of mr. neutron.
Have we bombed anywhere?
Have we shown 'em we got teeth?
Oh, yes, sir, we've bombed a lot of places flat, sir.
Good, good, we don't want anyone to think we're chicken.
Oh, no, they don't think that, sir.
Everyone's really scared of us, sir.
Of us?
Yes, sir!
Of our... power?
Oh, yes, sir! they're really scared
when they see those big planes come over.
Wow! I bet they are.
I bet they are.
I bet they're really scared.
Oh, they are, sir.
Do we have any figures on how scared they are?
Uh, no... no figures, sir, but they sure were scared.
Ah! but it's not working?
No, sir.
Okay, we'll try another tactic.
We'll try and outsmart this neutron guy.
Yeah, there's one man I know who could nail him.
One guy?! that won't frighten anyone, sir.
He's the most brilliant man I ever met.
We were in the c.i.a. together.
He's retired now.
He breeds rabbits up in the yukon.
What's his name, sir?
His name is teddy salad.
"salad" as in...
Lettuces, cucumber, radishes... yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where do I find him, sir?
The yukon.
Oh, and carpenter...
Yes, sir?
Make sure you get a decent disguise.
Oh, uh, hello, my name's carpenter.
I'm from the u.s. government.
Are you from the army?
No, no, no, no... I'm, uh... I'm from the ballet.
The u.s. government ballet.
The ballet!
The ballet's coming here?
Uh... well, maybe.
Oh, that's great! we love the ballet.
Last year some of us from yellow river
We got up a party to go and see the ballet in montreal.
Look, i... I was wondering...
Oh, we had a marvelous time.
It was margot fonteyn
Dancing les sylphides.
Oh, it was beautiful.
Look, do you know...
Do you know how old she is?
Who?
Margot fonteyn.
No.
She's 2o6.
Oh...
Well, look, I hear
There's a u.s. ballet organizer around these parts
By the name of teddy salad.
You mean the special agent?
Well... uh...
He's an ex-cia man;
He's not a ballet dancer.
Oh, uh, well, I just want to see him on some ballet business.
Oh, well, you could try the store.
Oh, thank you.
Hey! could you get us lionel blair's autograph?
While precious time was being lost in canada
The seconds were ticking away for the free world.
Already neutron, who, you will remember
Is infinitely the most dangerous man in the world--
He really is-- was gathering allies together.
Try having an omelet for your evening meal
Perhaps with yogurt and grapefruit.
Oh, I've tried that.
I once got down to 56 stone but I couldn't stay like that.
I had to take potatoes wherever I went.
I used to go to the cinema with 300-weight of king edwards.
I'd eat them all before I got out of the toilet.
I had to go on to bread.
What about salad?
Teddy salad?
No, no, no--
Salad as in lettuces, radishes, cucumber.
You don't like it?
No, I didn't want to eat a salad.
I wanted to find out
About a man called salad.
You are the first person
To order a salad here for two years.
All the eskimos eat here is fish, fish, fish!
We are not eskimos.
Where's our fish?
We've finished our fish.
What fish you want today, huh?
Bream.
Bream?!
Where do I get bream this time of year?
You bloody choosy eskimo pests!
We are not eskimos.
Why don't you like a nice plate of cannelloni?
Yech! that's not fish.
Oh, I've had my lot of the arctic circle.
I wish I was back in oldham.
Do any of you eskimos
Speak english?
We are not eskimos.
I am.
Haddock!
Where? where?
Do any of you know a man called salad?
What, salad as in...
Lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes-- yeah.
Like you have on your plate?
Yeah, that's right.
No, I'm afraid not.
Where's our fish?
What does this teddy salad do?
Oh, uh... he's a... he's a hen teaser.
Che cosa? e la stucciacatori di polli!
No, the only teddy salad we know is a c.i.a. man.
Oh, uh, he might know.
Where will I find him?
Oh, he lives up at kipper sound.
Thanks a lot.
Fishy fishy aye-oo!
Um, are you in international spying, too?
Uh... no, no, no, no.
I'm, uh... I'm with the, uh, the, uh, the u.s. ballet force.
Who are you with?
Mi6.
But not a word to the eskimos.
Fishy fishy aye-oo!
Here's your bloody fish.
Thank you, anouk.
I'm not an eskimo!
Hey!
Hi, I'm carpenter of the u.s. ballet.
Hey, great to have you around.
The last decent ballet we got around here
Was ballet rambert.
On thursday they did petrouchka
Then on saturday they did fille mal gardee.
I thought it was a bit slow but...
It sure is nice to see you, mr. salad.
I ain't salad.
What?
You want teddy salad?
Yeah.
I don't see anyone.
The one on the end, on the right.
That's salad.
That's a dog.
No, only bits of it.
What do you mean?
Listen, teddy salad
Is the most brilliant agent
The c.i.a. ever had, all right?
Right.
That's how he made his name-- disguise!
That's incredible!
Yeah, he had to slim down
To 11/2pounds to get into that costume.
He cut 18 inches off each arm
And over three feet off each leg.
The most brilliant surgeon in europe stuck that tail on.
What about the head?
All of the head was removed
Apart from the eyes and the brain
In order to fit into the costume.
That's incredible!
Do you want to talk to him?
Yeah, sure.
Let's move over to those trees over there.
Anyone might be watching.
Mr. salad
There's a mr. carpenter to see you.
What does he say?
Do you have a bone?
Here, it's all part of the disguise.
Okay, teddy, here's the bone.
All right, you've got his trust now.
You can talk to him.
Sir...
Sir... mr. salad
Sir, I've come direct
From the commander
Of land, sea and air forces.
There's a pretty dangerous situation, sir.
Mr. neutron is missing.
The general says you're the only one
Who'll know where to find him.
What's he say?
Uh, he wants to go walkies.
Walkies?
Yeah, he's right into it today.
Do you mind taking him for walkies?
While carpenter took
The most brilliant agent the c.i.a. ever had for walkies
Events in the world's capitals were moving fast.
The secretary of state to see you, prime minister.
Very well, show him in.
Prime minister.
Oh, do take a seat.
Oh!
We've just had the supreme commander, u.s. forces
On the phone.
Apparently, they want a full-scale red alert.
They what?
They want a full-scale red alert.
Every troop movement...
It's all right.
Don't worry about giuseppe.
He's english, really.
I see... well, apparently
The whole structure of world peace is threatened...
Your anniversary, signore?
Uh... no, no, no, giuseppe, not now.
You mean this isn't the lady?
No, no.
Oh, signora, my mistake!
Fine, fine.
I play for you, my mistake.
My mistake, I have made my mistake!
What a dreadful mistake is this mistake that I make!
My mistake...
Giuseppe, do you mind playing over there?
Oh, very well, signore, but I play only for you
And your beautiful companion.
My mistake...
Well, we think this mr. neutron
Is located somewhere in the london area.
We must find him and exterminate him.
The americans say if we don't, they will.
What?!
The americans say
If we don't, they will!
If he doesn't know what?!
They'll bomb the entire london area!
We'd better get out of here!
They won't bomb here.
Are you sure?
Sure.
Right.
When are they going to start?
Well, apparently, they haven't got neutron yet
But when they do, they're going to...
I have made my mistake... what?!
They're going to send a wave of bombers!
What a dreadful mistake...
Well, did he tell you anything?
Oh, no, no.
We chased sticks
We chased a few reindeer.
Oh, you been chasing reindeer, have you?
You're a naughty boy, eh?
Look, we haven't got much time.
He hasn't given me any information yet.
Okay, look, tell you what then, let's eat.
You give him one of your meatballs
He'll tell you anything, okay?
Okay.
Wait a minute, he's trying to tell us something.
Carpenter...
Ah... carpenter...
Yes, mr. salad?
Can you hear me?
Yeah, yeah...
It's just... it's so goddamned painful in here.
What's the problem?
It's mr. neutron, sir...
He's gone missing.
The supreme commander
Wants you to take charge.
I... oh, god...
I... i...
Yes, mr. salad?
I...
I've got to go walkies again.
Still no sign of captain carpenter, sir
or mr. neutron.
Okay.
We'll bomb neutron out.
Get me moscow, peking, and shanklin, isle of wight!
And so the great powers
And the people of shanklin, isle of wight
Drew their net in ever-tightening circles
Around the most dangerous threat to peace
The world has ever faced.
They bombed cairo, bangkok
Cape town, buenos aires, harrow
Hammersmith, stepney, wandsworth and enfield
But always it was the wrong place.
Sorry, enfield.
We apologize for any inconvenience
Caused by our bombing.
Sorry.
But what of mr. neutron--
The most fearfully dangerous man in the world
The man who could destroy entire galaxies with his wrist
The man who could tear fruit machines apart
With his eyeballs?
He had not been idle.
In fact, he had fallen in love
With the lady who does for mrs. entrail.
Oh, hello, mr. n.
Terrible about enfield, isn't it?
It's all gone; so is staines.
Lovely shops they used to have in staines
And stanmore, where the a.a. offices used to be.
I don't know where we'll pay our a.a. subscriptions to now.
Do you know where we'll pay
Our a.a. subscriptions to now, mr. n?
I didn't know you were a member of the a.a., mrs. s.c.u.m.
Oh, yes, ever since the corsair broke down in leytonstone.
They towed it all the way to deauville
F.o.c.
Yes, you know f.o.c.--
Free of charge.
Well, my husband ken--
K.e.n.-- he said...
Oh, forget about your husband, mrs. s.c.u.m.
Or may I call you "mrs. s.?"
You can call me "linda" if you like.
No, I'd rather call you "mrs. s."
Oh.
And you can call me "mr. n."
Well, that's what I was calling you.
Mrs. s., there is something I have to tell you.
Yes, mr. n.?
I have just won a kellogg's corn flake competition.
Oh, mr. n., that's wonderful!
I got the ball in exactly the right place.
The prize is funt5,000 in cash
Or as much ice cream as you can eat.
funt5,000!
I was thinking of taking the ice cream.
Oh, no!
It's been so hot recently.
You couldn't eat that much ice cream, mr. n.
Mrs. s., I can eat enormous quantities of ice cream
Without being sick.
No, no, take the funt5,000!
Please take the funt5,000!
I was thinking if we got married...
Oh, yes.
We could use the funt 5,000 to buy a spoon.
Oh, we could buy a lot more than that.
And then fill up with ice cream.
Oh, forget about the ice cream;
We need the money.
We need nothing, for there is something
I have not told you, mrs. s.c.u.m.
Oh, please, call me "mrs. s."
No, I would rather go back
To calling you mrs. s.c.u.m., mrs. s.c.u.m.
I am the most powerful man in the universe.
There is nothing I cannot do.
Oh, mr. n.
I want you to be my helpmate.
As tarzan had his jane, as napoleon had his josephine
As frankie laine had whoever he had...
I want you to help me
In my plan to dominate the world.
Oh, mr. n., that I should be so lucky!
You're not jewish, are you?
Another time was when I as in cairo
I was disguised as a water hydrant.
The whole top part of my head had been removed and...
Please, mr. salad
You must tell us where neutron is.
And I functioned, do you hear?
I really worked.
I could put out a fire.
Mind you, it hurt a bit.
Please, mr. salad, there isn't much time.
Where is neutron?
Okay, give me another meatball, and I'll tell you.
Okay, listen carefully.
I won't repeat this, you understand?
Yes, yes, quick.
I know where neutron is right now.
I know the exact address and the exact house
And the exact road.
Okay, where is it?
He's not in america.
No?
He's not in asia.
No?
He's not in australia.
No?
He's in...
Yes?
Europe.
Yes?
You want to know where in europe?
Yes!
Okay, okay, I'll tell you!
He's in england, in london
At number 19...
Okay, that's the yukon, what's left?
Only ruislip, the gobi desert, and your office, sir.
Okay, we'll start with my office.
Ankwat I odr inkerat, gobi desert ulverston road box.
I will take you away from all this, mrs. s.c.u.m.
Oh, mr. n., I'd follow you anywhere.
We will have two weeks in benidorm.
Oh, yes, yes.
And I will make you
The most beautiful woman in the world.
Ooh, it's beautiful.
Oh, mr. n., you have made my heart sing.
Late in life's pageant it may be
But you have made roses bloom anew for me.
Life's rich harvest is being...
Shut up, mrs. s., we must hurry!
Oh, i...
I'd better leave a note for ken;
He'll be expecting us.
Has mr. neutron escaped in time?
Is the world utterly destroyed?
How can mr. neutron and his child bride survive?
Will his mighty powers be of any avail
Against the holocaust?
Stay tuned to this channel.
Hello.
Well, in fact, what happens is
That they are saved by mr. neutron's mighty powers
Just as the last bomb falls on ruislip.
However, the earth has been blown off its axis
And in a most dramatic and dangerous and expensive sequence
It spins off into space.
There are appallingly expensive scenes of devastation and horror
And the final incredibly expensive climax is reached
As thousands of ape monsters in very expensive costumes
Descend from the sky onto these
Plug up a whole city which had to be specially built
And fling them all into the sea very expensively.
And we can see those very expensive scenes right now.
Just after the credits have gotten through.
Incidentally, these are going to be some of the most expensive
And lavish scenes ever filmed by the bbc
In conjunction with time-life, of course.
There are some of the technical people
Who have been involved in filming
These very expensive scenes.
The sound... very expensive sound
Expensive visual effects there
Expensive production assistant
Expensive designer
Cheap director.
Well, we're going to see those very expensive scenes right now.
Oh, come on
You can give us another minute, mr. cotton, please.
Good evening.
Last week we learned how to saw a lady in half.
This week we're going to learn
How to saw a lady in three bits and dispose of the body...
Whoa!
Look, look, if you can put on rubbish like that
And "horse of the year show"
You can afford us another minute, mr. cotton, please.
I mean, look at this load of old...
World domination t-shirts are available
From the bbc, world domination department, cardiff.